Tales from Libraryland

There are no stupid questions...

2009-03-02T10:53:00.002-05:00

Monday brings a fresh array of questions to ye old reference desk. It's only 11:00 and I've had the following:
-I have this cough. Do you know what it is?
-Do I need to file my income taxes if I'm retired?
-I want books that tell me why a filmmaker needs to be responsible. (When I asked for clarification on this, I got the blank stare. When I asked if she meant if the filmmaker should be responsible if a person does something after seeing it in a movie, she said yes. When I searched for filmmakers and social responsibility and gave her an article on it, she told me that wasn't what she wanted. Hit repeat, play again. Circular logic that goes no where. Joy).
-Why are all of your handwriting books missing? I like handwriting books. (When I offered to order them for her, she rolled her eyes and walked away).
-When asking for a computer reservation and I say that the next hour is at one, why are you bartering with me to get a time sooner? It's booked. I can't just go deleting reservations.
-How do I file my state income taxes? If I file a form 1040gsfd, do I need to file a 1040 state gfsd, or would I get more money back if I filed a form 1040grsd.
-Someone left a 40 of beer in the bathroom

2009-02-25T12:29:00.002-05:00

Why did a man just walk in here with a keyboard strapped to his body, looking like he's about to rock out to some godforsaken shitty music?

I guess the same answer (if there is one) can be said for the drunk lady that passed out at the circulation desk yesterday and then moved herself to the children's room to go pass out.

Saturday Hell

2009-02-21T16:49:00.003-05:00

Saturdays are a special sort of hell.

Aside from the fact that the branch is chronically understaffed, there are teenagers in here all day.

Teenagers suck. I do not like working with them. I am an adult services librarian.

I cringe when I see teenagers walk into the building en masse because I know that my quiet morning of trying to order books or do the schedule or help college students with their research papers is long gone. They swear, try to sell drugs, beat each other up, piss on the bathroom floors, don't want to do anything except sit there and stare at the lucky few that get to use the computers, they try to smoke in the building, and think of anything else obnoxious to do to drive the library staff completely fucking insane.

I don't mind well-behaved teenagers (are there are some that exist), but goddamn it already today.

Too early for this crap

2009-02-17T10:39:00.003-05:00

Guy: What's a Blue Ray?
Me: [gives him the speech]
Guy: Oh. [Walks away]
me: [goes back to working]
Guy [to his friend, but loud enough for me to hear it] I love when they have big pretty eyes...and an ass.
Me: [continues working]
Guy: [to his friend] And she's gotta ring on her finger. Someone must love her.
Me: [yup, that's why I married HIM and not YOU. Continues working.]
Guy: I better shut up before Big Jimmy comes after me. I sure do like a woman with a nice shape.
Me: [It's entirely too early for this shit. I'm clearly working. I'm clearly needing to get caffeinated. I'm CLEARLY NOT INTERESTED. Get the hell away from me].

Movies of the Lord

2009-02-16T21:02:00.003-05:00

I'm not religious. That's not to say I'm an intolerant bastard. Believe in what or who you want to believe in. But honestly, the minute you start to push it on me, I'm done. My brain shuts off and goes to Tahiti and yes, your mouth is moving, but no, I'm not hearing it.

So, please, when I tell you that our tv is for library programs only, don't say that the LORD should be a library program.

When I tell you the same damned thing for the second and third time, don't give me some lame story about how you and your husband don't have tv and just want to watch a movie in the library and "get some of the teenage boys to watch it" with you. NO!

When I offer to find the movie at another branch for you and ask you for a library card, don't tell me that it's been 7 years since you've been in the library and that the LORD has brought you to the library.

The LORD may have brought you here, but you still are not going to use our tv.

And really, when I go on my break and you're waiting for me to tell me about how I should watch the movie and how it will change my life and blahblahblahblahblah (brain went to Tahiti), I just get more annoyed because you didn't listen to me and now you feel the need to kinda stalk me while I try to quickly chew my last bite of granola bar.

The LORD may have brought you here, but he must have forgot to let you use his library card because you still need one to check our shit out.

Kthanks and have a Blessed Day.

Blast from the past: bathrooms

2009-02-16T13:47:00.002-05:00

Many bad things happen in library bathrooms.

In fact, if you were me, you would never use a library bathroom again. Strike that: a public bathroom. Bad things happen in public bathrooms.

These are a sampling of things I have found in library bathrooms. This is why I would rather pee outside in the bushes than use the public part of the library bathroom:
-passed out naked dudes
-drugs (heroin, pot, something else that I didn't really bother to investigate because it was in a syringe and I didn't want to get HepB or C or DIE)
-a miscarried fetus
-smeared shit (this is pretty standard fair, unfortunately)
-a bag of dirty clothes and a bunch of baby powder
-burned toilet paper
-guy that fell out of his wheelchair and wanted help zipping up his pants
-helpful hint: tampons are not markers

Blast from the Past: Resumes

2009-02-16T13:42:00.003-05:00

This happy little event happened sometime in November.

this lady comes up to me this morning and says, 'i need help with my resume.'

she wasn't friendly, smiling, or even remotely pleasant to me.

the conversation goes as follows.
me: do you have a resume started? would some books help?
her: no, i need to get it typed [which is code for: i need someone to type it because i sure the hell am not going to]
me: let me see what computer is available
her: hrrrrrmphme: i can show you how to get on to microsoft office and use their resume tool
her: [handing me papers] i really don't like to type
me: i'm sorry, but we don't type up resumes
her: oh. [glares at me]
me: i can get you on computer x in 30 minutes, do you want to do that?
her: no. i just need this typed.
me: again, i'm sorry, but we don't type up resumes.
her: walks off. good luck with that job search, dumbass.

i'm the only one here because of a program and you think i don't have anything else to do other than type up your resume? HA!!!!!!!!

i just got done helping some guy that wanted audiobooks of people just spelling words? do you know how hard that is to find when you have a lady demanding to use all of your computers for a session on monday, another person wanting 'educational movies only about famous people,' two lines ringing and 5 people arguing over their internet time? yeah.

One from my rookie days: an oldie but a goodie about porn

2009-02-16T10:44:00.000-05:00

Patron: [Catches me as I'm walking by the computers] Can you show me how to look up something?
Me: Sure.
Patron: I want to look at videos.
Me: Ok [walks up to computer screen, sees search for PORN]
Patron: I wanna look up videos like that [points to asian women search in Google]
Me: [Just DISGUSTED] You can't look at that here. It's against the library policy [seriously, there is a policy] that the computers be used for that. [Clicks to yahoo.]
Patron: Oh [As I'm walking away.]

DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO HELP YOU FIND PORN?!?!? IN THE LIBRARY?!?!?!?

Oh, little rookie me. That was such a simpler time, when I thought the worst it could get was some guy asking for help to look at Asian porn. Ah, youth.

I don't want 8 tracks!

2009-02-16T10:28:00.001-05:00

Patron: Do I have anything in?
Me: Let me check. [Out of the goodness of my heart, I go to check the shelf even though I am clearly not behind a circulation desk computer and even though the computer is clearly marked with a "CLOSED" sign. I see that movie is VHS. Suspects this may be a problem, so...] Is VHS ok?
Patron: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Me: The movie you requested?
Patron: I didn't request no stinkin' 8-track. [Honestly, no foolin', she said, 'stinkin'.]
Me: Oh, I'm so sorry, I can re-request the DVD for you.
Patron: WHO THE HELL DOES THIS? I DON'T WANT NO 8 TRACK!
Me: [Really, you're old enough to be my grandmother. You should know 8 track went away, what, 30 years ago?] Actually, it's VHS, but someone might have sent the wrong item. I'm sorry about that. I'll take care of this and get you the dvd.
Patron: Yeah, cuz I don't have an 8 track player.